


Hands Calloused From Countless Swings

by MoonlightSword



Category: Rurouni Kenshin
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, One Shot, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:41:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23533981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightSword/pseuds/MoonlightSword
Summary: When you think you've seen someone die, it's hard to forget that image.
Relationships: Kamiya Kaoru & Myoujin Yahiko
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Hands Calloused From Countless Swings

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this one came to me when writing my previous piece. I hope you enjoy.

He doesn't like being alone, it makes him think of things he normally wouldn't - the sort of stuff that grays your hair and makes your heart beat like a taiko.

He's sitting on the engawa overlooking the garden on a warm autumn's day. Everyone's out for varying reasons and he's all on his own. His legs swing uncontrollably while a shinai rests on his lap, his hands propping him up as he listlessly glares at the gravel beneath his feet. She told him to do one hundred swings, and another hundred, and an extra hundred on top of that for good measure while she was out. He'd already done all that though, in a third of the time it would've taken him half a year ago in fact. He's thinking about things again, it's been a hectic few weeks and it’s only now he has time to.

He wasn't even awake when it happened. When he came to that day, it was like his whole world had been destroyed. It's amazing how the "death" of one person could cause such a massive rift in the lives of so many people. Everyone around him was leaving, departing in spirit. The tightly knit group she held together fell apart in her absence. And while everyone eventually found their way back to that core, and the life once thought taken had never left at all, it's never really been the same, not really. At least not for him.

When you think you've seen someone die, it's hard to forget that image.

The worst part is how everyone surrounding him refuses to speak about it. The day had been saved and no one had died. Whatever, it didn't take too long for everyone to go about their business as if nothing had happened. Even their home had been rebuilt in no time, no visible marks from that chaotic night of steel, blood, and unbridled mayhem.

Everyone. Kenshin, Megumi, Sano, Tae, Tsubame... even Kaoru. It's like it was nothing to them. Not a word of what happened is ever spoken of anymore, just smiles and laughter - life as usual. He joins in when he can, but he can't fathom why they're like this. The thought still lingers in his mind and it doesn't help it was still relatively fresh too. It's not just a minor problem - it's been keeping him up for many nights now, making him stare up at the ceiling in his futon whenever he tries to sleep. Despite everyone insisting otherwise, he's afraid whatever-his-name-is will come back in the dead of night and take her away again, perhaps for real this time, and all that accumulated stress has made him restless. When he's not practicing, he has no energy and can't even strike up a conversation with anyone. He's limited to one-word answers that crawl their way out of his mouth. He doesn't talk during meals, during his shifts, or during his spare time.

It’s as if he's departing in spirit himself

He's also spending more time around her, a prospect that would have horrified him if you told him a few months ago. Ever since she came back from her trip to Kyoto, he's been around her as often as possible, keeping his eye on her, making sure she's safe... unharmed. Is he somehow less of a man? Like some sort of pathetic wimp?

The slamming of the gates ringing in his ears brings him out of his trance, closely followed by an unmistakable echo that he's all too familiar with.

"I'm home!!!!!" 

She sounds cheery. She always does.

"Welcome home..." He unenthusiastically replies, not even budging from the engawa. He hears the door behind him slide open and he can practically sense the aura of irritation emanating from her.

"Oh, you're slacking again?! I thought I told you to do three hundred swings before I got home! What do you-"

"I've done them all already, busu."

"Don't call me that!"

He mentally prepares himself for a strike over the head from a bokken, but strangely, nothing comes.

"Aren't you gonna hit me?" He asks, staring off into the distance.

"No... good work, you're getting better every day, Yahiko. I mean that."

"Thanks, I guess..."

There's an awkward moment of silence; she's stood behind him (he can sense her) and he's just sitting there. For too long there are no words exchanged, all that can be heard is the chirping of bugs and his own breath. The floorboards creak behind him, she's taken a step or two closer, but he doesn't turn to greet her and continues staring off into nothing.

"Don't you have a shift at the Akabeko soon?" She asks, tone slightly strained.

He kicks some dirt with his right foot. "Tae said only if I'm up for it."

"But… but don't you want to go?"

"I'm not feeling up to it today, wouldn't be much help anyway. It's okay, I have a shift tomorrow." He shrugs.

"So you're going to stay here again?"

"Yeah... what of it?"

"Yahiko..." there's a painfully elongated pause and his heart starts beating a just that little bit faster, "what's the matter?"

"I'm... I'm just a bit tired," he sighs, "I'll-"

She interrupts him with an overbearing slant to her voice. "No, not that. I mean what's _wrong_ , Yahiko?"

She can't see it, but his eyes widen just ever-so-slightly. "Huh?"

"You need to tell me right now."

"It's nothing. Really." 

"I don't believe you. I can tell that something’s been bothering you."

Unannounced, she takes a seat next to him. He turns to glance at her and of course she's wearing her favorite kimono - it's pink with sakura patterns, and her hair is tied up in that navy-blue ribbon of hers like usual. He doesn't think much of these things, but even he would have to admit she doesn't look too bad. Somehow, she always knows when something's up - it's like the instinct of a mother bear protecting her cubs. Or perhaps more like an older sibling. Or maybe just a really good friend. Whatever it may be, it's like black magic or sorcery that she can read him like an open book. She knows him inside out and it makes him want to punch himself in the face - how the hell does she know all this about him? Is it really that obvious? No, it can't be - can it?

"What... do you mean?" He tries and fails to dodge her eyes.

She crosses her arms in response. "Before, you'd use whatever excuse you could find to get out of the house. You never liked hanging around here too much outside of classes, did you? But now? You won't budge, like you just want to stay here as much as you can."

"Did Kenshin put you up to this?"

"No, Kenshin hasn't mentioned a thing. I'm doing this of my own accord. Now, tell me. What's the matter?"

His eyes wander around the garden as he can't bring himself to look at her anymore. "I'm just not feeling myself, I guess."

"Yahiko," he feels something warm touch his face and pull him in, she's holding his cheek and he can see that her eyes have the glint of concern and that her lips are trembling very slightly, "tell me. _Please_."

Just like that, he's speechless. Just a moment ago, he was lamenting to himself how no one seemed to want to talk about those events that linger in his mind and won't leave him like some sort of unwanted rash. But now that someone's offering an avenue out of this stupor, now that someone's giving him the opportunity to unload all his pent-up anxieties, he's as silent as a rock. He knows something's wrong, he's all too aware of it, he opens his mouth, but the words won’t come out, like they're trapped. He’s choking now. He just gets nervous even thinking of talking to her about it and he just wants to stay quiet. He really is an odd one.

 _Oh no_ , he's sounding stupid in his mind all over again. He has to stop right now or he'll just embarrass himself, plus she probably has better things to do with her time.

"Don't mind me, Kaoru." He huffs. "I'm fine. I'll be fine."

"Yahiko, I'm worried."

"You don't need to be worried."

"But I am. If you don't tell me what's wrong, it'll only get worse for you. Please, Yahiko. Please. You can trust me."

His heart feels like it's fallen out of his chest while he narrows his eyes. Her hand's warm, but in a pleasant way. It reminds him of the way his mother would caress his cheek fondly and look at him in a way only a parent can to their child. He feels strangely nostalgic as he takes in her touch... heart beating slower and he closes his eyes. He kind of misses his mother now. He doesn't think of her much anymore but maybe she could sort him out proper if she was here. And...

Wait, are his eyes getting watery?

Dammit, he thought she died! He was at the funeral, saw her cold, lifeless body! Everyone was in tears except him, he wanted to remain strong. He couldn't even shed a tear for her own death, is there something wrong with him? Yet, even if her death was the smokescreen of ancient shadow arts, he still can't get over seeing her like that. Then Kenshin left and he was all on his own - he still had to remain strong for everyone else. He nearly died himself, Kenshin just managed to save him by the skin of his teeth. But now, when there are no more enemies to fight, no duels to accept?

"I thought," he croaks as he places his hand on hers and he opens his eyes, "I thought... I thought that... that..."

"Yes...?"

Her eyes are doing it again, where they shine like diamonds or rays of the sun on the sea. He thinks himself a tough boy not weighed down by stupid emotions, even she is a victim of his rough exterior most of the time. But in that very moment, her gaze strangely overwhelms him. Perhaps it's because they're alone and he's had so much time to think recently, but he comes to understand something at that moment. Whenever he looks at her, he sees many things. A mother he lost, an older sister he never had, a teacher he can depend on. But most importantly, he sees someone who took him in and gave him a life, a chance to be happy again. Those days working for the yakuza as their lapdog were the worst in his life, so it's funny they were followed by some of the very best.

To lose that? To lose the source of his endless well of joy? To lose the one that lifted him from the dark before washing, clothing and feeding him? It's unfathomable, beyond tragic. It took him thinking that she died to realize just how much she really meant to him. No. He always knew, he just always used to take it all for granted.

Not anymore.

He sniffles. "I thought you died..."

She doesn't respond at first. He thinks he's done something wrong, said something utterly stupid that she's at a loss for words. Maybe she's thinking that he's just being a big baby and that he should get over it already. He knew it, he is the outlier. Everyone else doesn't talk about it because it's normal to move on and he's just a weirdo who clings to the past too much. He should just get over it, it's dumb for him to dwell on it, _it's over_.

She's not dead, she's right in front of him caressing his cheek. He's worried over nothing, nothing at all, and he's wasting her time. He should just apologize and head to work, he's being a burden again. He's always been a burden.

So imagine his surprise when she decides to pull him into a tight hug, wrapping her left arm around him and running her right hand through his hair. He's locked in a gentle hold and his face rests in her kimono. He awkwardly returns the embrace as his eyes start to sting, the shinai sliding off his lap and making a dull thud when it hits the ground.

"Yahiko..." she whispers in his ear softly, "so that's what this is all about, huh?"

He doesn't answer back, but he nods fervently in her grip. They stay still for a few moments again, and he cries as she holds and comforts him. It's weird, he's never acted like this around her before. Usually, it's her who cries and he who tries to calm her down - he of all people knows how emotional girls can get, how worked up she can get.

Dammit, he's a big boy! He carries the pride of samurai, why's he moping like this?

"S-sorry," he mumbles and stutters, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. S-sorry, sorry, sorry."

"It's okay, Yahiko. It's always okay."

"I'm b-being stupid."

"No, you're not."

She brings her other hand down to wipe the tears from his face, but it doesn't stop them from flowing. Her hands are calloused from countless swings of a bokken, but they're still delicate and thoughtful. Sure, she's a tomboy at times, but everyone who even remotely knows her can say she's one of the kindest, purest people to ever exist. She's like a flame that draws everyone in, expelling the cold from within. Even from a stupid kid like him. 

"I can't sto-stop thinking about it. I th-thought you died and... the worst p-p-part was... I couldn't even do anything, I cou-couldn't protect you at all. I was so useless, I didn't even get to-get to... get to say goodbye..." His voice is subdued but hurried, he's panicking as much as he's sobbing.

"I know. I'm sorry." She pats his back carefully.

"I mi-missed you. Even when we knew you were alive, I st-still missed you loads. I was so w-w-w-orried."

"Yahiko, calm down. _Breathe_."

They share a few quiet moments as he's trying to steel himself and stop his constant reflexive sobbing and she's doing nothing but holding him. He hears distant chirping. It's hot but he's not sweating even slightly. This close to her he can smell her perfume, he doesn't know what it is, but it's nice. 

After a while, her hands stop. "Yahiko, let me tell you a story."

"A story?" Odd. She isn't the type to tell stories. 

"Yes," she shifts back so they can see each other's faces, but her hands are level on his shoulders, "do you remember what I told you about my father?"

"Sort of..."

She continues. "He died during the Seinan War. He left one day, and he never returned. Just like that, my only remaining family was gone. When I found out what happened, I still tried to put on a smile and carry on like life was normal. But the fact I didn't even get to say goodbye properly, never let him know how much he meant to me... it hurt, Yahiko. For a few weeks, I cried myself to sleep every single night. What hurt more than him dying was the fact I couldn't see him one last time before he died. I didn't think it would ever happen..."

"I," he rubs his nose sluggishly and nods, "I feel the same about my parents, Kaoru."

"Yeah?" The corners of her mouth turn upwards.

"Yeah. And... you... when I thought you..."

"From what everyone told me, you were so strong. You were everybody's rock, you were amazing without me. I'm sorry, it must have been so hard for you."

She's smiling, but it's not exactly happy - her eyes paint a melancholic scene.

"I don't know why I'm like this when everyone else seems to be okay about it. It feels like I'm-"

"You're only a boy," she assures him, "it's all right, more than all right, for you to be upset. And no one's forgotten, even I still think about it from time to time."

"You do?"

"I do. Kenshin does. Megumi does. Misao does. Tae and Tsubame do as well. Even..." a scoff escapes her mouth, "even Sano."

That makes him feel a bit better, he supposes different people have different ways to cope.

"Oh... okay... okay."

"Yahiko," she jolts and shakes him slightly to grab his full attention, "don't ever feel like less of a man if these things upset you. If you ever need to talk about it, or just want a shoulder to lean on, whatever you need, I'll be here for you. I always have been, you know?"

"Yeah... of course." His gaze wanders awkwardly down to the engawa as his face gets hot. At least his tears have stopped. He always cringes a little inside whenever he cries in front of her (which isn't often to be fair).

They haven't shared a moment like this since... well, _ever_. It's an odd conundrum for sure. There always existed this unspoken thing between them, this bond that didn't need to be explained. It wasn't apparent until he had fully settled into his life at the dojo. But after a while, they didn't need to question the relationship between them, it's always been something that's simply mutually understood. He calls her ugly, she calls him an annoying little brat, but those insults stopped meaning anything a long time ago, it's all just teasing now. What really matters is what lies beneath all that: how close they are when walking to the Maekawa dojo together, the way they can just casually chat like it's nothing. How he always - yes, _always_ \- carries her spare bokkens, prompting not even a single complaint from him. How intimately they can share meals, how he always eats whatever she cooks despite it supposedly tasting awful. She's propped him up to be her successor, inheriting the most prestigious of her school's sword forms. There's that trust there.

But... maybe it's best that the simplest to understand are sometimes brought to the limelight

"Yahiko?" She interrupts, stopping his train of thought in its tracks.

He blinks, his head rising to meet hers once again. "Huh?"

"Did you want to say something?"

"Uh, y-yeah. It's just... well..."

Her eyes widen as her grip on his shoulders loosens. "Yeah?"

"It's just... the whole thing made me realize-made me realize how much you mean to me? I guess..."

He wants to bury his head in the sand after admitting that, it’s so _embarrassing_.

A glint in her eyes appears as she smirks and brings her hand to the top of his head, ruffling his spiky black hair both as a gesture of thanks and to rease him.

"Thank you. I'm lucky to have you, you know?"

"Kaoru..." he blinks rapidly, teeth scraping his bottom lip, "what if that guy comes back? He was so strong, one of the strongest guys I've ever seen. He was in an entirely different league compared to his goons and the ones we took on in Kyoto. Only someone like Kenshin could ever beat him. What if he comes back and decides to kill you for real?"

She shakes her head slightly at that, a somewhat amused expression appearing on her face. "Don't worry, he won't ever try that again. We made sure he won't, remember?"

"But he disappeared! He could be anywhere!"

"If he wanted to try it again, he would've already done so by now. And even if he did - which he won't - he can't harm me. He can't bring himself to."

"What?"

"It's a long story."

"Okay, but what if someone else tries something like that?"

"Yahiko..." she rubs his hair again, "don't worry so much. Constantly worrying about what might happen is one of the worst things you can do, it's just not a good way to live. All we can do is raise our swords to any danger and fight with all our strength. So let's both get stronger together, even stronger than we already are, so we don't have to worry as much. So when danger comes, we're more than ready to fight it. Does that sound good?"

A smile returns to his face, something which he hasn't done for what feels like ages, and he nods. Maybe, just maybe, he feels a bit better now. Talking to people sure has its benefits.

"Yeah... let's get stronger together. That way I don't have to worry about you!" He sticks his tongue out and pulls his cheeks apart. She frowns and her forehead creases. He flinches, preparing himself once more for the wrath of her bokken, but nothing comes.

He opens a single eye and sees that her arms are firmly folded. She looks so smug.

"Yeah, same. I won't have to worry about your sorry butt, will I?" She pokes his chest with her finger and sticks her own tongue out as well.

"Huh?!"

He's ready to hurl plenty of insults her way, but she suddenly bursts into a fit of hysteric laughter. He stares at her in disbelief at first, but he can't help but bring himself to laugh with her. Their faces turn red as they drown out all other noises surrounding them. They're letting out tears of joy now, the tension completely cut with a metaphoric knife. It's all just so crazy when you take a step back to think about it. The life their little group of ragtag misfits leads is bizarre, crazy, abnormal and just plain absurd. One day he's wiping down dishes, the next day he's fighting for his life to save another, then the day after that is just him trying to show off by doing cartwheels and handstands, only to fall flat on his face and induce mocking giggles from everyone watching. One to one hundred and back to one at the drop of a hat.

But you know what? He wouldn't have it any other way. 

**Author's Note:**

> I think people (including the author lol) sometimes forget Yahiko's just a ten-year-old boy, I'm sure the whole ordeal was very stressful for him.
> 
> I always thought Kaoru was like a big sister figure to Yahiko, they certainly argue and fight like siblings. I think it's obvious they deeply care for each other, though. Yahiko acted all tough and strong when Kaoru "died", but I think the whole situation would have given a lot of baggage to deal with - especially after it was all done. He threatened to kill Enishi if it turned out she wasn't alive anymore (even if he'd have been turned to paste in reality), so he was clearly distraught and worried for her. I think after the whole debacle was over with, he would be realistically afraid of the idea that Enishi could come back and start it all over again (or someone else). I know I would.
> 
> Again, a huge thanks to my friends and my own sister for beta'ing this.


End file.
